Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
