remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
