this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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