You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
