I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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