I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
