burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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