i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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