I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
