Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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