sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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