kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
