you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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