you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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