I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
