Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
