I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
