There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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