After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
