I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
