So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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