We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
