If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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