Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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