Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
