oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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