DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
