This is not my ceiling
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize