his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
