I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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