We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
