It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
