is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
