you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
