I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Randomize
