Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
