You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
