i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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