how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
