I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
