Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
