made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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