dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize