her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
