a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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