Umm I'm too high to move.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
