There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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