dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
