Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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