if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Found the puke drawer
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
