dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
