and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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