Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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