You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
