Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
