quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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