I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
