So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
