I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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