My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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