She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
