Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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