I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
