woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
