Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
