there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
jump out the window naked night went bad
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