Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
