gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
