How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize